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Friday, November 11, 2005

Friday Humor: Change

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With the recent massive changes to SWG, you might be wondering just what else those crazy geniuses at SOE have up their sleeves. Well, I have the answer.

The top secret Aggro Me elite ninja squad has once again earned their five silver a month by fearlessly breaking into the SOE death fortress and uncovering the imaginary drafts of future game change announcements! Remember, you saw it here first!

Planetside - Producer's Letter

Dear Members of the Terran Republic, the Vanu Sovereignty and whatever that third one is:

Hello to all the dozens of Planetside subscribers and fans out there! I'm Bob Johnson, the new Producer of Planetside, here to announce some incredibly fabulous and exciting new changes!!!!!!!!!

Now, I know what you're thinking. But, Bob, how can things get any more exciting over at Planetside?!?!? I know, I know. Our ultra-scientific surveys show that over 99.9% of the Planetside player base absolutely LOVES the whole BFR thing and ADORES in-game advertising! But, we say, hey, why stop there?

That's right, we are making sweeping changes to the game. And I don't want to get giddy, but all three of the highly trained and skilled focus testers we lured from a mall in Ohio with the promise of Quake IV and Applebee's gift certificates think these changes are ABSOLUTELY TOP NOTCH!!!!

Now, you're going to say, please, for the love of all that is holy, tell me about these changes! Well, ask yourself, what is the Planetside universe really about? Yes, that's right, PUZZLE GAMES! Prepare yourself for true fun and get ready to defeat your opponent in a heart-pounding game of skill!

As soon as you draw near one of your enemies, the screen will change and you will be taken to our wild, highly intense PUZZLE ARENA! I hope you're ready, because you will compete in such heart-pounding puzzle games as Jumble, Word Scramble, Jumble Advanced, and, of course, Jumble Death Match! Only the best will prevail!

I know, I know, you can't wait. But don't worry, these changes will go live in only two days! What's that Jim? Oh, hold on, my senior lead designer just told us that the changes are live already! Go Planetside! Get puzzling!!!

Matrix Online - Press Releases

For release December 1:

To all Matrix Online Players:

For one day only, the new expansion "The Architect's Ramblings" is available for only $39.99! This expansion adds much-needed depth to the Advanced Hacker, Pilot and Combat Specialist professions! Also, there is finally tons of ship to ship combat outside of the Matrix! Pick it up today!

For release December 2:

To all Matrix Online Players:

Great news! The members of the Matrix Online development team have both decided to completely revamp the game so it's more fun for everyone! The professions have been "clarified" for more fun in the following manner: The Advance Hacker, Pilot and Combat Specialist professions no longer exist. All other 82 professions have been "clarified" into two: Neo/Trinity and Agent Smith/Elrond. No action outside of the Matrix exists! This will make the game over one hundred and seventy-three times better according to our advanced neural network! All existing characters will have to start over (who doesn't love a fresh start?) but will be rewarded for their loyalty by a massive lens-flare glow around their character which will cause lag whenever it is turned on and a book entitled Dull Things the Oracle Said which can be placed in player housing (note: player housing no longer exists). Thanks for your awesome continued support!!!
***

Fascinating stuff, from the desks of the SOE think-tank to you. I hope you enjoyed this look into the future of online gaming. Also, there's this link.

9 Comments:

Blogger Aggro Me said...

Yeah, I'm commenting on my own posts now. Pulling a Danks, if you will. Just three things I wanted to clarify:

1. The point of this parody wasn't to mock Planetside. I've heard great things about it and I'm probably going to finally play it very soon. The point wasn't to mock Matrix Online - well, maybe a little.

2. The point wasn't to mock the actual quality of the NGE. I might do that someday...but it will be after I've played it. Right now I just keep reading conflicting stuff. I have no idea if it's fun or not but I'm keeping an open mind.

3. The point was to parody the handling of such drastic change.

11:09 PM  
Blogger Zygwen said...

That was hilarious!

On a side note, they did revamp Planetside once already. They found that the original zones where too big so they blew up the planet, killing everyone that was on at the time or did the computer save them I forget, and made the playing areas smaller or something like that.

11:50 PM  
Blogger warm_machine said...

The sarcasm runs deep within you Aggro, but I'm sorry, you had me at:

"focus testers we lured from a mall in Ohio with the promise of Quake IV and Applebee's gift certificates"

lmao =D

12:43 AM  
Blogger Anskiere said...

"Dear Members of the Terran Republic, the Vanu Sovereignty and whatever that third one is:"
HAHA, TAKE THAT NC! You and your noobhammers..

And to clarify Zygwen's comment, they didn't actually make the zones smaller. Yes.. the planet blew up, but the result was a seperate planet for what used to be seperate continents. Same size, just gave the game a little flair (and the meteor showers that bombarded the planet before it broke up were quite fun). And the Aruaxian core (a living entity, but close to a computer I guess :P) did save everyone.. it was called "the bending" if I remember right.. kind of did some funky space-time stasis for the people on the planet when it went boom.

Maybe someday I'll get videos from the meteor showers, so watch for them on the forums! (like I said, they were fun!)

1:30 AM  
Anonymous Anachronist said...

Hi,

I really like the way you use SOE's rethoric in this one ;). It really sounds like one of those advertising newsletters by smed.

BTW: Am I the only one asking himself why he`s reading those things anyways? I mean...I already bought the game, haven`t I? :)

so far

Jörg

7:09 AM  
Blogger Fonix said...

Interesting little known fact: SOE and LA hired Nielson to conduct those "ultra-scientific surveys" about the game play of SWG. I also filled out an SOE survey when I cancelled my SWG account the first time.

Most of the boards don't know about this either. SOE or LA should release the information publicly.

8:50 AM  
Anonymous Wargut said...

Man I gotta get my hands on those 5s ninjas to do my own dirty work.

Do you have their business card?

10:35 AM  
Blogger Hippie Killer said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:59 AM  
Blogger Hippie Killer said...

Well, I've played it. SOE has truly shit in its own sandbox. I don't understand who they think they're going to attract with this. It's not geared to FPS fans, role players, space/air combat afficionados nor MMORPG stalwarts. Instead, it's a weird mix of game play styles mostly dumbed down to be immediately graspable by even the most dim of customers. Maybe that's the goal; to attract the slow-witted segment, which really has been underserved in the often complex world of MMOs.

I don’t know if Sony truly understands the concequences of repeatedly and flagrantly violating consumer trust. MMORPGs by nature require a great degree of trust between the publisher and the consumer. If nothing else, companies must reassure the consumer that their products are stable and a good value. They cannot do this when they refuse to put out long-term, stable builds with a definite design philosophy and supporting documentation. SWG has never had the best word of mouth, even before the last publish. But word of mouth now is absolutely abysmal. They couldn’t have created a worse situation if they tried. Check the boards, the blogs, the user reviews—even casual gamers read that stuff, and take it to heart. Information travels fast now. If you put out a crappy, bug ridden product and screw over your loyal customer base in one fell swoop. Your potential customers *will* find out. Sony has crossed a threshold here. They can advertise all they want, hype all they want, use the words “cool” and “exciting” all they want—but SOE won't be able to drown out the cries of tens of thousands of disgruntled customers, warning others not to buy SWG. This could very well end up being the de facto standard for failure in the gaming industry for decades. (You failed at a Star Wars Game!?)

I've played the game. I'm hardly an MMO vet, but I've never seen anything with this many bugs in my life. I'm basically paying $15 bucks a month to be a beta tester. Aren't there some sort of ethical standards in the gaming business?

2:02 AM  

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