Friday Humor: Vanguard

Since the EQII devs are doing a great job of humor themselves, I figured I'd take a little break from poking fun at EQII and SOE today. Instead, it's time to have a little fun with Sigil Games, makers of the upcoming MMO, Vanguard. While I'm intrigued by Vanguard, and I will certainly play it, some of the stuff Brad McQuaid says does crack me up. The first two quotes which follow are actual Brad McQuaid quotes from the Vanguard forums, not a parody:

Brad on Combat:

"Good luck on two-boxing. You need to pay attention in this game. Everyonce in a while somebody sees a level one in Vanguard and is concerned the game pace is to slow. I promise you, you want the general 'round' to be that long, because even at mid levels there is THAT much going on. You need to be aware of who is doing what, what NPC is on who, what abiliity they are about to use, if you have a counter. You could be using a combat starter and a bridge could pop up that forks. Which related ability do you want to use? Make your choice. You don't have much time. Oh wait! While you were thinking, in those brief seconds, another icon popped up. A counter ability/spell. Now you need to decide whether to finish your chained attack (and which bridge to take), or to counter that ability. What do you now about that abiility? Is it critical enough to counter no mattter what or can you let it slide? But wait, while you're pondering all of this, two more icons pop up giving you the opportunity (and letting you know) that your secondary defensive target, say your cleric, was just aggroed. You have the option of rescuing him. So you can finish you attack, counter, or rescue. Add to that our emphasis on multiple mob encounters (hard to seperate a group), and you get more chaos. Add in situational awareness. Is my cleric ok (I'm RPing a warrior here). Is my sorc ok? Did either the sorc or the ranger just do so much damage they may draw aggro? Or do they have some abilitiy to mask that...."

Brad on Shopping:

"Just for more clarity, I don't want search abilities, etc. because I want price differences. Not just differences between regions, but probably within a city. To me, that creates an exciting player economy. Yes, one could argue it's more work to have to go shopping as opposed to just bringing up a nifty screen that does all the work for you. But the shopping is the gameplay. It may not be for everyone, but neither is it necessary for a player to particpate in this part of the economy and game."

Excited? Well it only gets better and more hardcore! I contacted the Aggro Me ninja death squad once again. And boy were they angry. After having just broken into SOE's headquarters last week...now I wanted them to infiltrate Sigil. I had to promise them an additional five silver along with a coupon for a two-topping pizza from Pizza Hut. They love their pizza. But the mission was a success and I bring you these imaginary design documents from Sigil:

Eating in Vanguard

"Everyonce in a while people see the eating mechanic in Vanguard and think it's too slow paced. Some people want to just click on a food item and eat it. They should play an easier game. Sure, eating in Vanguard is a two and a half hour process, but there's so many difficult decisions that it's barely enough time! There's just THAT much going on! Okay let's say you want to eat some pasta. Do you want to roll it up with your fork, get a knife involved or just dig in and hope for the best? And what level fork are you using? Oh wait! While you were pondering this conundrum a window pops up letting you know you have bread available. Do you want to butter? Not butter? Dip in the sauce for a combo?

Then, BAM, before you know it, sauce is flying towards your pants! Do you attempt to counter it with a napkin? Rely on your pants' defensive stats? Attempt a dodge? Add in the fact that we use multiple eating situations, i.e. appetizers, drinks, deserts and it just adds to the exciting chaos! Add in gastronomical awareness. Is the portion big enough (I'm RPing a fat guy here)? Is it too spicy? What are the aftereffects going to be like? And that's just solo eating. You can only imagine what a group dinner is going to be like..."

Logging Off in Vanguard

"Just for clarity, I don't want a simple log off screen in Vanguard. Because I want a myriad of variations in log offs. Sure, you might like a nifty little interface where you just click a button and log off. Yeah, be lazy and let that do all the work for you. Logging off is part of the gameplay. Is you race a good sleeper or not? Have you killed a lot of mobs that day? You may be over-excited. Where is the best locale to sleep? Have you switched your gear into your bedtime configuration? Have you countered anxiety with warm milk or the count sheep ability? All these will have an effect on the patented log off progress bar, which can range anywhere from seconds to hours. It may not be for everyone, but you're welcome to just turn your computer off and take the two level penalty."

The ninja team also uncovered a document entitled "Using the Restroom in Vanguard: Extended Camp Times." But that's so exciting and hardcore I don't want to spoil it for you.