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Friday, January 20, 2006

Friday Humor: Rejected Expansions





When I first heard rumors that a list of failed expansion concepts was floating around the highly secure fortress that is SOE headquarters, my first thought was to reach out to the Aggro Me Elite Ninja Death Squad. But apparently, they are not a fan of my hardcore musical stylings and said something about how I had dishonored myself and my ancestors with "subpar rhyming skills" and should commit ritual suicide. While I thought that was a quite reasonable idea, I sought out a second opinion.

You see, I had been contacted by a certain shadowy internet figure known only as Mr.Xt3reaM. This personage informed me that he and his fellows were the “l33test haxxor crew” at Jefferson Junior High School. I sent an e-mail inquiring as to whether it was possible that they could somehow hack into the highly encrypted SOE server and get me the list I was so desperately seeking. I heard nothing back. But the next morning, when I went to make toast I realized that my internet-enabled toaster had been hacked. The toast that appeared was emblazoned with the phrase, “lol yes newb.” These guys were pros. Without further dragging out this unreasonably lengthy intro, I present to you the results of this extreme hacking mission: a list of ten rejected expansion ideas for EQII pitched by unnamed SOE employees.

1.The Plane of Planes: People love the Planes thing so much that we should give it to them. Let’s have a Plane full of Planes. There could be airplanes and those planes you use to smooth lumber. All on a plain. I can’t complain.

2. The Show of Reality: Okay, so we all know reality TV is hot, hot, hot! Let’s have an expansion where a strange being from another dimension is putting on a magical reality show that godlike creatures can watch via their crystal balls. In a land where ratings are everything you can actually get loot for guild drama! XP for cybering! The possibilities are endless!

3. The Kingdom of Fry: Futurama crossover here we come! When Dr. Zoidberg mistakenly opens up a portal to Norrath while trying to invent a new form of can-opener, the hijinks begin! Drink beer with Bender, fight aliens with Leela and deliver packages for Planet Express! It will give fed-ex quests a whole new meaning! Let's do something with Fry's dog too - that Jurassic Bark ep made me cry :(

4. The Song of Sony: Antonia and Lucan have put aside their differences to join forces under the banner of a red Welsh dragon led by a new ruler, Sir Howard Stringer! Thrill to hear his regal and fierce battle cry, "
we must fight like the Sony Warriors we are!" Players will seek out and destroy iPods, XBoxes, and Panasonic HDTV's!

5. The Grass of Green: Our GM's are really getting tired of having to change marijuana related player names. We might as well embrace this thing with a journey into the Realm of Ganja where every raid timer is 4 hours and 20 minutes long and happy gnomes give out peace pipes to everyone! Ride the "magic carpet" for a trippy journey through time and space!

6. The World of Mazeroth: There's this World of Mazeroth with um, Night Dwarves and Blood Dwarves and Mauren! Our lawyers say it will fly!

7. The Farm of Plenty: Come on, let's face it. A lot of our customers just want to farm great items and not be bothered by a lot of annoying quests and zones. The Farm of Plenty is solely comprised of an instance with one mob that repops as soon as it is killed. It can drop anything from vendor trash to fabled items! Time to get farming!

8. Rage of the Wookies: A wookie spaceship has crash-landed on Norrath and boy are they angry. You might even say they're enraged!

9. The Dragons of Metrosexuality: It all begins when Lady Vox tells Naggy she is tired of his barbaric ways. This can only mean one thing...time for a Makeover! Yes, it's time for Lord Nagafen to learn about strange concepts like hair "product," stylish clothes and even showering! As the fashion bug sweeps Norrath, players can fight their way through the Orc Gym, the Naga Hair Salon and the Centaur Home Decor Showroom. Tons of great new items are introduced such as the Mousse of Intelligence, the Cologne of Fiery Vengance and the Electrified Eyebrow Tweezers of Ro!


10. The Arena of Arenas: Okay, gang. I think I've finally hit paydirt with this idea. If I know one thing about our player base, it's that they love that Arena! This new expansion will introduce 578 new Arena Pets, 148 new Arena Zones and tons of more Arena fun! Seriously, how can this miss?

P.S. we haxxored ur fridge enjoi the stal milk lol newb!1!1!!

I think that last part was added by my elite hacker team. Oh well.

8 Comments:

Anonymous Nazeroth said...

haha, thats quite possibly the funniest Friday Humor i've ever read!
Nice one Agrro Me.

6:15 AM  
Anonymous RadarX said...

I kept waiting for you to mention Gaige in Dragons of Metrosexuality. The Grass of Green had me rolling though. Nice job Aggro Me.

9:43 AM  
Blogger Mercurie said...

Absolutely hilarious. Loved the Dragons of Metrosexuality.

10:47 AM  
Blogger Anskiere said...

The Dragons of Metrosexuality.

Brilliant.

10:59 AM  
Anonymous alaph said...

I would so play EQ2 if I could help Bender avenge the can opener that killed his father and has now come back for him.
Funny poop dood.
1 r /\/07 l337haxxor, i R l337/\/00b, u f33l teh omwtfpwnage

12:10 PM  
Anonymous Elite Hacker Team said...

lol we gist haxxored ur comments 2

7:28 PM  
Anonymous Anachronist said...

As I read this article, I planed to copy and paste the best, most hilarious rejected expansion idea and say how god damned funny it is....but

I couldn't decide which one is the best, funniest, most hilarious one. They are all equally great and to single out one would be just unfair against the others!

Thanks for this one ;) Great job!

Anachronist

PS: Now I know why the milk in my fridge is always spoiled. Damned wlan-fridge!!! Damned haxxor kiddies!!!

8:42 AM  
Anonymous Prognosticator said...

“lol yes newb.”

That is classic. Thanks for the chuckles. I don't know how you do it, but every Friday like clockwork...comedy.

10:46 PM  

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