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Friday, February 03, 2006

Friday Humor: Achievement Suggestions

I planned to coast by with another "Best Of" Friday Humor post today, but the notorious Junior High hacker squad I utilized in this post had different ideas. They hacked my checking account, leaving me with a balance of $13.37 as a symbol of their elite skills. Luckily, this was far more than I actually had in the first place, but who knew what they would do next? The ATM receipt warned:

"Learn2Rite Humor, aggggro-nub or w3 haxxorize the Sooper Bowl1@!!"

Since I couldn't allow these hacker renegades to mess with the world's enjoyment of the NFL, I felt I had a patriotic duty to write some fresh humor for today. And so I present to you my top ten suggestions for possible Achievements for the new Achievement System in KoS. While we don't know exactly what this new system will entail, the devs have hinted at choices. So what will some of those achievements we have to choose from be?

1. Server Merger Insurance: By putting points into this achievement, you can secure your name in the event of any server merger! Of course, if the person on the other server has more points invested in this achievement, well, welcome to the "X"- Games.

2. Feign Link Death: Only available for scouts and monks, this achievement is perfect for those who get caught on a sub par raid or in a disastrous pick-up group. Sure you could just go LD by killing the power on your computer but that's quite suspicious. By hitting the "Feign Link Death" key, your character will flicker and flash madly before disappearing. If you put enough points in, you may even get the power to cause a zone-wide crash, thus totally absolving you from any accusations! A somewhat related achievement is:

3. Call of the Phony: This allows you to recall people who "mistakenly" revived in the wrong zone right back into the raid! Nice try, rookies.

4. Clippy the Helpful Familiar: Yes, some pets offer offensive abilities. But do they ever give you advice in a cheerful fashion? This magical paperclip will appear in the middle of combat and present you with helpful tips like:

"You look like you're about to about to cast a damage spell on a mezzed target. Would you like information about using /assist, newb?"


"You look like you purchased this level 60 healer on EBay. Would you like assistance in learning what the basic healing spells are?"

Note: Clippy can not be dismissed.

5. Last Name Lordship: Sick of the plague of offensive or just plain idiotic last names that currently infest Norrath worse than the Great Plague of '05? Choose this achievement for the power to correct the stupid last names of other players. Of course, this power will instantly be abused by players changing last names to even more offensive ones. But then the person with the most levels in Last Name Lordship can then change them back! Everyone's a winner in this escalating name war!

6. Push Power: Tired of that gnome who is sending you vulgar tells? Just plain bored on a long raid? Choose the "Push Power" achievement, which gives you the ability to target other players and enter /push to give them a gentle nudge in the right direction. Laugh with glee as they plummet over a steep cliff to their death...it's fun for the whole family! Some uber buffoon AFK chilling on the QH docks? A simple /push will get their breath meter headed in the right direction!

Note: Not responsible for players who may have safe fall or Fishbone Earrings.

7. The Ironforge Directive: Choose this fun achievement to gain the ability to slaughter the NPC of your choice! Repeatedly!

8. Dragonball X: If this achievement is selected you gain a new skill called "Power UP!" When activated, your character's hair will stand on end, your whole body will glow dramatically and your facial expressions will contort beyond reason. You will also levitate while shouting fierce sounding nonsense! This has no real effect but, wow, does it look cool!

Note: Only available on SOGA models. Not responsible for lag.

9. Gigglegiggler Goblish Giga-Power: You know what stinks about the lottery? Not winning it. With this achievement you get 25 additional tickets for each one you buy! Get giggle-gambling! We'll even throw in 78 new arena champions!

10. WoW Simulator: This achievement is a technical masterpiece that changes your actual log-on screen. Instead of simply logging on to your character as usual, players with this achievement will have to wait in a queue of random length! Sometimes for up to an hour!

If you're looking for actual information on the new achievement system, check out the audio interview with everyone's favorite pirate on OGaming (thanks Scott). Blackguard gives a lot of forthright answers and a ton of great information in the interview.


Anonymous Fjord said...

The one I'd love to see:

Forum Troll Repellant: Bans your favourite forum troll for 10 days and fills all their inventory and bank space with ginseng or something equally useless.

1:01 AM  
Anonymous Nazeroth said...

haha, one of your better friday humours aggro. :)

[i]Tradeskillers Delight[/i] Don't like the new boring way to tradeskill? No problem! By investing points in this achievement you once again be forced to make complicated sub-combines for your simple product!
The more points you invest, the more sub-combines you have to make for each sub-combine of a sub-combine.

4:51 AM  
Anonymous Scott Adams said...

On the audio interview you need to get in about 35 minutes to hear about the achievement system

9:18 AM  
Anonymous Rotacidare said...

"You look like you're about to about to cast a damage spell on a mezzed target. Would you like information about using /assist, newb?"

LOL...if only

9:31 AM  

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