Friday Humor: Norrathian Idol

Ryan: Seacrest out! Oh, we just started. My bad. Seacrest out! Damn, why do I keep doing that? Hello, folks, I'm Ryan Seacrest, an infernal simulacrum of homogenized-pseudo-hipness that was created by marketing gnomes. And I'm here in Norrath to host Norrathian Idol, where we seek out the greatest untapped singing talent in all of Norrath!

Today we travel to the fabled city of Qeynos, on the hunt for a buried treasure trove of talent! Let's listen in as our first contestant meets the judges...



















Randy: 'Sup dog.
Paula: Okay, sweetie, what are you going to sing for us today?
Dawson: The Magnificent Song!
Simon: Okay, go ahead.

They call me Magnificent,
My songs are beneficent
And also verbificent-

Simon: Stop. Just stop.
Paula: Honey, how do you think you did?
Dawson: Magnificent! Er, magnificently!
Simon: Not to be rude, but everything about that audition was the exact opposite of magnificent. Your hair is an abomination, your pants are absurd and your singing is an insult to the ear. I'm not sure how you became a "renowned street performer" and frankly I don't want to know. That's a no for me. Randy?
Randy: That's a no, dog.
Paula: Sorry, honey.


















Randy: 'Sup dog.
Simon: And why do you think you are the next Norrathian Idol?
Falin: If I don't have what you want, ya don't need it!
Paula: Wow, I love your confidence! Go ahead and sing for us.

If I don't have what you want ya don't need it!
If ya think ya need then I sure have it!
Have it, need it, need it, have it....
Let's call the whole thing off!

Simon: Indeed.
Paula: I thought it was...interesting.
Randy: That's a no for me dog. Your pitch was terrible.
Simon: I don't mean to be rude, but you smell as if you stand around in a sewer all day long. And frankly, you look like you do as well. Please take that awful singing voice back below ground and find another career. Thank you.
Falin: If I don't have what you want, ya don't need it!
Simon: Goodbye.


















Randy: 'Sup dog.
Paula: Oh, how cute. A child.
Simon: Excuse me a minute. I don't mean to be rude, but that isn't a child. It appears to be a tiny man. And I find it rather upsetting.
Paula: Don't mind him, honey. Go ahead and sing.

Have you ever seen?
Oh, have you ever seen?
A gnoll before? A gnome before?
Oh, have you ever seen?
An erudite whore-

Paula: Okay, that's enough honey.
Simon: My god. I'm speechless. Truly terrible. And you're extremely creepy, bordering on terrifying.
Randy: No for me, dog.

















Randy: 'Sup frog.
Paula: What are you going to sing for us today?
Bupipa: The croaking melody!
Paula: Great, go ahead.

Croak-aloak-croak,
Croak adoak moak,
Croak, croak croak.

Simon: Stop, please stop.
Paula: You're just not right for this contest, sweetie. Simon?
Simon: Sing for Queen Antonia Bayle? Not very likely. That may be acceptable in some dank bog but that kind of pathetic croaking is never going to cut it for the Norrathian Idol.
Randy: That's a no for me, frog.



















Randy: Um, 'sup dog.
Paula: Er, go ahead and sing please.

Roaaaarrrrr!

Simon: Finally, the whole package. The look, the voice. Something about you is so current and right! Where have you been hiding?
Paula: Terrific!
Randy: That's a yes for me dog.
Paula: Welcome to the next round in the Kingdom of Sky!

Ryan: And there you have it...four sad contestants and one happy one! We'll see you soon for more Norrathian Idol! Seacrest out!