Live Update 22

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Friday humor to bring you these leaked Live Update 22 patch notes.

Live Update 22

***Headlines***

-Expansion reward: Receive a new ability for owning Kingdom of Sky: Oneshot cheapskate!
-Norrathian Merchants have improved services! "Dealer" and "pimp" merchants added.
-Revive now has 100% less movement!
-Nerfs for some of your favorite classes!
- Guild level 50 mounts have been implemented.
-Chuck Norris banned!
-Whiners have angered the gods!
-Illusionists get new illusions...Not!

***Veteran Rewards***

-If you own Kingdom of Sky on a PvP server, you gain a new ability: Oneshot Cheapskate. This allows all those who own Kingdom of Sky to kill players without the KoS expansion in one shot, regardless of level, from 30 meters away. All classes get this ability, except for Illusionists and Coercers, whom we obviously hate.

-It's our way of saying: "Buy the expansion already, you cheapos!

***Merchants***

-New "dealer" and "pimp" merchants have been added to Norrath! See Dealers to get a wide array of drugs that enhance your abilities, make you chat for hours about yourself, or turn your screen display odd colors. Beware, some may be habit forming.

-Pimp merchants sell a commodity called "hos", to meet the uh... needs of lonely males and females of Norrath. Hos will follow you to your inn room, and give you a "buff". Beware, though, to put a rubber sheath over your magic wand, for a new Plauge is rumored to be sweeping the land. And stay away from the guards, as they have been alerted to these new vendors.

-Merchants now sell even more items that no one will ever buy! Thrill to pickaxes that give +3 to mining! Boggle at out T1 drinks that give 0.6 to your fav stat! Get to L60 and pay 999999 status points for a L30 weapon! Pay huge amounts for armor that is worse then you'll find in the noob yards dropping off snakes!

***Kingdom of Sky***

-Penny Dreadful will now complain to anyone who comes near about how terrible her graphics are.

-Anyone under L20 who manages to harvest all the parts for the Droag collection quest will receive a new title: The Careful.

-On PvP, any time a player is Killed by someone 40+ levels above them in KoS due to the no lvl limit, the killing player will automatically /moon the dead player, who gains a new title for 15 minutes: the Owned.

-Level 70 Adventurers will now get all their AA points instantly, since there's wayyy too much to do at L70, and we really want them to make an alt.

-All clouds have been given a silver lining.

-A number of creatures in the Tenebrous Tangle have decided to become vegetarians, and have taken up Poker and Sudoku. They will no longer attack, but will play Texas Hold'em for plat.

***Desert of Flames***

-When in the Poet's Palace, you will now be subjected to awful poetry submitted to SOE by 13 yr olds about how uber their toon is.

-When in Desert of Flames, you will get an XP bonus for flaming other players in level chat, ooc, or shout. Extra bonuses for using the words noob, u teh suk, and weaksauce.

-Genies will now grant you 3 wishes. Unless you are an Illusionist wishing for decent illusions, in which case you will get delevelled to 1 and zoned to Permafrost.

***The Bloodline Chronicles***

-Heck, we just got rid of all the traps entirely. Just please, PLEASE buy this adventure pack! We'll give you veteran benefits or something...

***Achievements***

-Shaman: Your pets now do 5 DPS instead of 4, and had their life increased by 2. Also, Mystics and Defilers have different color dogs. Happy now?

-Shaman: Yes, we know both classes share the same AA tree. Hey, we're busy here, too. You think we have time to make a separate AA tree for every class? Ask Illusionists how much free time we have.

-Enchanter: Mana Flow is now no longer 100% useless. Uselessness has been reduced by 30%. See, we care about you guys!

-Druid: New animal forms have been added! Cute Little Bunny is chosen if you have no weapons equipped, and Drunken Bumblebee is given if you have a beer stein in hand. Also, we've taken away all your animal procs, as we've heard they were too "cool."

-Predator: Bounty has been made 60% more useless. Now it is only triggered if you beat a Red heroic triple up by yourself, and gives a whopping 35 copper. Now you can buy those arrows you've been saving up for!

-Rouge: Pick pocket will now have a 50% chance of giving the caster "lint", which can be given to Hwal Ruckstaff for a new quest, "Huge ball of lint."

***Player vs Player***

-The old gods of Norrath have come back, annoyed by all the whining on the PvP servers! Any players using the public channels (level chat, ooc or Shout) to call for nerfs, complain about being 1-shotted by someone 8 levels above them, call the devs "jerks", etc, will be stomped by the angry foot of Cazic-Thule.

-In a similar development, worship of the strange god "Chuck Norris" has been banned. Anyone who starts talking about Chuck in the public channels, about how there's a fist behind his beard, yadda yadda, will be put in chains in the middle of the Overlord's execution plaza, where players can pelt them with fruit bought off our merchants. In addition, they will be changed into Enchanters.

-Carnage PvP, formerly City PvP, will now be called Gank PvP, to better reflect its nature. Players will be able to flag themselves in a city, then wander Norrath with higher level friends, so they can attack and flag their enemies. In this way, L50s can kill L12 players and still get status. Exploit? No sir, everything is working as intended.

-Getting killed 5 times in PvP without a kill by you now grants the following title: "Teh Suxxor."

-Defiler: Defile will now do naughty things to unconscious players and corpses. It is, after all, Defile.

-We are aware that adepts for the opposing alignment are dropping from mobs. These are not useless. You can sell them for a whopping 3 silver. Still, we have listened to your complaints. All opposing alignment Adepts and masters can now be used as tradeskilling components in recipes for padding of chairs and beds.

***Gameplay***

-Reviving will now make you unable to move. This will enable players to kill each other more easily, and reduce hunting times. Bring some smores for the Spawn camp!

-Group lotto will now let one player win 99% of the time, as long as they can't actually use the things they find.

-Killing mobs of your level will now give even better items that are 10-15 levels below you. Hope you decided to roll an alt.

***Items***

-Bows and ranged attacks now do crazy amounts of damage on auto attack. Somewhere, Paladins and Shadowknights are crying into their fluffy pillows.

-Shimmering Wand of Glass will now break the 1st time it hits in melee. Hey, it's a glass wand. C'mon now.

-Armor from Armor quests have had their mitigation and stat bonuses reduced, since they were nearly as good as the armor you would find at L12. In addition, all AQ's have had their quest difficulty increased, since people are finishing them before they hit Level 30.

***Tradeskills***

-New T7 tradeskill writs are available for Tailors and Outfitters. You can now craft clothes for the various Blacktalons in the Barren Sky! They may have feathers, but they're still naked.

- T6 advanced recipes for Carpenters arrive! Not! Haha, got you there. Excited weren't you?

***Guild Rewards***

-Mounts have been added to lvl 50 guilds. Choose between a Gnome disguised a Jester or a bearded female Dwarf. (Price: 900k Status and 32pp)

- You can now purchase suffixes! Males can now be The Uber and females The Uberess!

*** Mounts ***

- Mounts no longer autosize to match your character! If you are a Gnome with mount envy, you can now ride the Elddarian Charger with pride. The same goes for the modest Ogre. If you prefer a more compact ride, then hop on that pony you've been dreaming of! We here at SOE know that size does matter!!!

***Zones and Populations***

-Every Qeynosian revive spot on PvP servers now has an army of 20 guards protecting it. To make things fair, Freeport now has no guards at all, except for one guard at the Crossroads who only attacks Freeporters.

- Lord Nagalik is now a squirrel. A very angry squirrel.

-The door to Everling's bedroom is now locked, with a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the doorknob. We hear his girlfriend is up visiting from college.

-The Freeport Militia has decided to give up fighting, and take up needlework.
See any militia members for great tailored aprons.

-Anguis the dragon had moved from Antonica to the Commonlands as she finds the taste of Ogres more to her liking.

-Halls of Fate should now only take 45 minutes to complete, as we have rid the dungeon of the trash mobs and left only the named mobs.

***Combat***

Healer Changes:

-Priests now do damage in combat.

Scout Changes:

-Scouts with Evac will now automatically evac when they are down to 5% life. (PvP servers only)

- Scouts no longer have de-aggro abilities, in order to balance their aggro control with mages.

Wizard Changes:

- Wizards can now wear chain armour! We find that this will help with soloing!

- Wizards gain a new spell: THE UBERTANK. Casting this spell now gives wizards the HP of a 70 Lvl Bezerker, The Avoidance of a 70 Lvl Monk, The Healing power of a 70 Lvl Cleric, The Combined Parry , Deflect, and Riposte of all the Scout Classes at Lvl 70 and Shapechanges the caster into either Queen Antonia Bayle or Lucan D'Lere with all their abilities as well depending on the caster's faction. Once the spell has completed and the Duration is over the caster gets reduced down to 1 hp but with the Mitigation of Lord Nagafen, shrinks down to the size of a mushroom is rooted in place and can only communicate with the words "Help Me...Heeeellllppp Meeeee!"

Coercer Changes:

-All charm spells now last for 30 seconds on mobs, a 300% improvement! Player charms still last 1 second.

Assassin changes:

-Slaughter had it's range reduced to 1m, and only effects one mob.

-Assassin pet rats will now nibble enemies for 1 dmg, making them tougher then Shaman pets.

Illusionist changes:

-None. Suck it up!

Ranger changes:

-Ranged attacks now automatically oneshot anything 6 levels below you.

***User interface***

-There is a new command, /owned, which will show you who throttled you last, and how much they hit you for.

- Pizza time! /pizza is back and better than before! Now you can choose /pizzahut or /pizzajohns.

***

This post was truly a team effort. When I asked for submissions on the Aggro Forums I didn't expect to get so many great replies. I ended up writing only a line or two myself because there were so many great ideas. Thanks to Warm_Machine, Warith, Jaipehg, Sela, Wargut, Glyson and Gnume for their contributions. And special thanks to Teh Chunt for his great entry which is the majority of the post. You can check out this thread to see who contributed what.