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Friday, April 28, 2006

Friday Humor: Nathan Ironforge's Livejournal

When I heard one of EQII's most notorious NPC's had a Live Journal, I had to get my hands on a link. However, this proved incredibly difficult. I first contacted the Aggro Me l33t Junior High Haxxor team, but they were all busy working on a multi-month project to hack Lindsay Lohan's dishwasher.

With trepidation, I reached out to the Aggro Me Elite Ninja Death Squad. They immediately challenged me to ritual combat but through the use of kiting and modern firearms I prevailed. The surviving members of the Squad sullenly agreed to break into the headquarters of Live Journal and extract the necessary information. I don't know how they did it but apparently katanas were involved. While there was no longer an active link they did find me a hardcopy. And so I present to you Nathan Ironforge's Live Journal:

March 15th

Gah, I'm so sick of Qeynos Harbor. People are always running around and ignoring me like I don't even exist :(

I try to be friendly to them but they all seem to hate me. I asked one if he'd ever seen a gnoll before and he just glared at me and went on to the docks. Why can't people stop and chat about gnolls for a minute? I wish I had some friends to talk to about gnolls. No one understands me.

Mood: Lonely.

March 19th

I was wondering about my mother today. I don't know who she is but I have a feeling she's really special. She is probably a great hero and that's why she isn't around. Maybe my mother is really Queen Antonia! She's probably too busy to visit me but someday she'll come and take me to live with her in the castle!

Mood: Excited.

March 2oth

Today, I decided to tell my Dad I figured out who Mom was. My Dad's name is Larry Ironforge and he repairs armors and weapons. He makes a lot of money. He says that sometimes he jacks up the price because the people who come in don't even take the time to look at each individual price and just shout at him to repair everything. He gets angry a lot, I think because he works in the forge all day and it's real hot.

I told him I figured out my Mom was Queen Antonia. He laughed really hard and said, "One things for sure, she was a Royal pain in the blank. That blanking blank." Only he didn't say "blank" he said bad words. But I'm not allowed to write them or Dad said he'll put me on the forge and make me into pristine vanadium greaves :(

Mood: Scared.

March 24th

Today I made some new friends! I'm not allowed to go to school because Dad says it's a waste of good copper and I can learn all I need to by hanging around the docks all day.

But today I found out where the other kids go to school in South Qeynos and I played with them when they were at recess. Some of them said they see gnolls all the time! I was happy.

There was also this real nice girl named Stacy and when I saw her I got all these weird feelings. I mean girls are gross but she was real pretty. I haven't gotten weird feelings like that since Tacklemaster Moyna looked for bait in my pants. Her and Dad got into a big fight after that :(

I tried talking to her but then this big kid named Johnny came up and said I looked like a miniature man and not a little boy. He said it was really weird and all the other kids laughed at me. But I'll make friends with them all real soon! I can feel it!

Mood: Hopeful.

March 30th

OMG journal, I have big news! Stacy wants to meet me in Oakmyst Forest after school tomorrow! All the kids call Oakmyst Forest "Makeout Forest" because that's where guys and girls go to kiss and stuff.

I asked my Dad about what boys and girls do when they're in love. His face got all red from the heat of the forge and he started talking about Griffons and Bats and Maj'Dul Courtesans and I didn't understand.

Oh well, I guess I'll figure it out tomorrow!

Mood: Happy!

April 1st

Not good, Journal. Not good. I went to Oakmyst Forest and Stacy was on this real nice hill overlooking the fairies and everything was so pretty. Then she said to close my eyes so I could kiss her and I did and stuck my lips out. Then I heard laughing :(

Johnny was there too and they were both laughing at me. Stacy was pointing at me and saying, "As if! April Fools, weirdo!" Then they kissed each other and pushed me over the edge of the hill. I fell down and then I got mauled by an Oakmyst Great Bear and then everything went dark and I woke up by the guard tents.

I don't think she likes me after all :(

Mood: Crying.

April 3rd

Today I decided I would prove myself to everyone and become a great adventurer. That would show that idiot Johnny! So I went down into the sewers and saw this Wizard casting spells on a bat. I decided to help him and I shouted "For Queen Antonia!" and I beat the bat with a stick. I was scared inside but I kept a brave face. Anyway the bat died and I figured the Wizard would thank me. But he just yelled at me for "KS'ing" him. I went home to write in my Journal. And cry.

Mood: Confused.

April 7th

I had a new plan today: join the Qeynos Guard! That would make everyone respect me. I talked to a Guardsman and told him I was brave and strong. He went inside to talk to his friends in the Tavern and then they all came out. They smelled like Dad does when he celebrates Brew Day. He celebrates Brew Day every night. He must really like that holiday. Anyway, they said I could be an Honorary Guard Deputy! My first mission was to investigate the Forgotten Ruins.

Now, Dad told me before I had to stay out of there because of the Forgotten Guardians, so I was real scared. But the Guards gave me a special cloth badge that they said was magic! They told me it would ward off any monsters. So then I wasn't scared anymore.

I went to the Forest Ruins and snuck through the Ruins Gate. That's when a group of three Forgotten Guardians started beating me. I kept holding up the badge and shouting, "Halt! Qeynos Guard!" But they kept beating me.

Then everything went black and I woke up near the guard tents and all the Guards were standing around laughing at me. I just went home. But I kept the badge.

I think I'm going to kill myself.

Mood: Suicidal.

April 8th

I can't even kill myself. I left a note telling my Dad how much I hate him and went to drown myself in Qeynos Harbour. I jumped off a bridge and swam down till I couldn't breathe or see. But then suddenly I found myself in a little underground room.

There was a man from Freeport there! And people from Qeynos were buying stuff from him! I told him I was an Honorary Deputy with the Qeynos Guard and he laughed and said, "War is good business, son, and I'm putting coin in everyone's pocket."

I told him it was okay because I was sick of Qeynos anyway and the way they treated me. His eyes lit up and he asked me if I wanted to help Freeport. He said Freeport was really the good place and the Qeynos people were all frauds, especially that, "blanking no good blank Queen Antonia." I told him I would come back to visit him. He gave me a portrait of a gnoll and said I was a good boy who reminded him of a young Overlord. It was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.

Mood: Happy.

April 10th

I went back to visit the man from Freeport today. He was really happy to see me. No one is ever happy to see me. He said he talked to the Overlord about me and the Overlord said I had a lot of potential. He gave me a vial and told me it was medicine. He said the Overlord just wanted to help the people of Qeynos but they were too stuck-up to let him. He told me that if I put this medicine in the drinking water of Qeynos then I could really help everyone and be a hero! I always wanted to be a hero.

Mood: Excited.

April 11th

I gave some of the medicine to my cat and my cat died. Everyone is a liar.

Mood: Angry.

April 12th

It's time for people to pay. I went to the school in South Qeynos and when Johnny and Stacy were at recess I put some "medicine" in their lunches. Payback feels good...so good and so sweet. I can almost taste their delicious dying breaths. Dad is next.

April 13th

It's done and I'm free. But I have to be careful for now. Everyone might be looking for me. I'll have to keep a low profile. Instead of asking everyone if they've seen a gnoll before I'll just keep my mouth shut. And if someone hails me I'll just say, "Well met," in a deep voice. But it's not over. Oh no, it's not over.

Mood: Laughing.


Blogger warm_machine said...

All flippin' week I've been hearing about myspace.com, and to wrap up the week with the online journal of Nathan Ironforge... priceless! The part about Tacklemaster Moyna looking for bait in his pants made me laugh so hard my sides hurt. This is absolutely your funniest "Friday Humor" post... ever! Thanks for the laugh Aggro! =D

12:43 AM  
Blogger cyan said...

I haven't gotten weird feelings like that since Tacklemaster Moyna looked for bait in my pants.

I just spit rum all over my keyboard.

1:25 AM  
Anonymous Wargut said...

haha! Great story Aggro!

Next do a little write up on that bastrd kid Averus Justarius in WFP. That little bugger lies all the time and he is pretty proud about it too!

1:33 AM  
Anonymous Blackguard said...


2:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dang... ok.. funny as hell. but some of that is some twisted shit

3:07 AM  
Anonymous Anachronist said...

"Then everything went black and I woke up near the guard tents..."

mwahaha....great stuff!

4:00 AM  
Anonymous Falconeer said...

That's so great :)
Incredibly funny!!

the Falconeer

5:22 AM  
Blogger Krystalea said...

That was great Aggro. Good way to start a Friday. =)

8:31 AM  
Blogger Bandito said...

Great Fridat Humour (notice the u in humour!) one of yer best. It's Friday! cheers.

8:53 AM  
Blogger Karnatos said...

Uuuh, there is no 'u' in "humour" pal, where the HECK are YOU from? Eh?

It's spelled "hmor"!

P.S. - Gotta remember to never ever put bait in my pants! Ever.

9:28 AM  
Blogger Oz said...

I'm sure you forgot "again"


10:40 AM  
Blogger Anskiere said...

One of your best ever, Aggro. Thanks!

11:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Best Friday Humor ever. I read this first thing after I woke up - great way to start the day.

11:09 AM  
Blogger Teh Chunt said...

HAHAHA! Good stuff, good stuff.

"Have you ever seen a Gnoll before? Have you ever seen a gnoll... On Mead?"

11:53 AM  
Blogger Karnatos said...

oz: hehhehehhe - true, we're you at that party too?

1:33 PM  
Anonymous Owlchick said...

That was hilarious! =)

2:36 PM  
Blogger jaipehg said...

Aha. This is great. :D

6:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Priceless. Thanks for a good laugh.

8:23 AM  
Blogger Weary Paladin said...

Holy crap that was funny :P Where do come up with this stuff? Thanks again for another hilarious Friday

10:38 AM  
Anonymous Ethan Ross said...

Hahahaha! Oh Aggro, between you and Radar-X I don't know whose the bigger fucking putz. I can't stand you pretentious fuckwits who think your opinion both on and off the EQ2 forum is the summit everything.

Hope you die.
xXx Ethan.

11:36 PM  
Anonymous RadarX said...

Funny as crap Aggro....Nice work.

Ethan, that kind of hurts. I don't know about Aggro but...can I have a hug?

8:43 AM  
Anonymous Coyote said...

Don't agree with Ethan? Think he's bitter or a bit opinionated?


Tell him so.


12:42 PM  
Blogger Cordanim said...

One of the best journals I've ever read - awesome laugh! :)

3:57 PM  
Anonymous Coyote said...

*coughSHILLcough* Ugh..sorry, truth stuck in my throat.

8:09 AM  
Anonymous RedMaple said...

Wow, holy shit, first time checking this shit out

11:26 PM  
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