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Friday, December 16, 2005

Friday Humor: Bar Jokes

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I followed a link from AFK Gamer to this great thread on the WoW forums (great thread on the WoW forums...sounds crazy I know) where people were writing bar jokes based on different class specs in WoW. I've played WoW enough to get most but not all of them. And I thought most people in that thread did a great job. WoW threads tend to disappear into the ether quickly but this one was still up at the time of this writing.

But I can't let a bunch of WoW forum posters top me! I tried to do some EQII bar jokes. But, I'll be honest, it was much harder than I thought so I ended up resorting to general MMO jokes and twisting old jokes I've heard. Ah well, I'll get you next time WoW forums. Here are the admittedly not that funny results:

***

Four patrons are sitting at a bar. One says to the other three, "I don't know who you three are, but let's have a drinking contest." The other three agree to this plan.

The first patron is a Wizard and he uses his single-target abilities to finish drinks quickly, one after the other.

The second patron is a Warlock and she drinks five drinks all at the same time.

The third patron is a Conjurer and he slips half of each drink to his pet. They all stop and look at the fourth patron, who had originally suggested the contest.

"You're losing, pal," says one. "You haven't even had one drink yet!"

"Ah," says the fourth patron. "But I'm the Provisioner."

***

A woman walks up to three guys at a bar. "Tell me why I should take you home and I'll pick the one who is most convincing."

The first man leaps up and says, "I am a brave Guardian! I will protect you from any harm and I have great endurance!"

The second man scoffs. "I am a mighty Wizard," he proclaims. "I will use my arcane arts to give you pleasures beyond belief!"

Everyone looks at the third man, but he just sits there looking in his beer. The woman gets annoyed and storms off.

"Dude," says the Guardian. "Why didn't you say something?"

"I couldn't," says the third man. "I'm a Brigand."

***

Four tanks walk into a bar, a Guardian, a Berserker, a Paladin and a Monk.

"Let's see what you guys have," says the bartender. He proceeds to throw a beer at the Monk. The Monk ably dodges the beer.

Next he throws a beer at the Paladin. The Paladin allows the beer to hit her but then heals herself.

Then, the bartender flings a beer at the Berserker. The 'zerker smashes the beer in midair with his sword before it reaches him.

"Okay, time for the raid," says a patron, who has been watching these events. "Would you care to lead us?" he asks the Guardian.

"What!" says the Monk. "Haven't you been watching?"

"Um, yeah," says the patron. "But this is a raid. Let's be serious."


***

Smed and McQuaid walk into a bar. They are arguing about the best way to pick up women. They decide to see who can get a woman's phone number first. Smed sees a woman standing alone and heads over. McQuaid looks around and finds another one. Unfortunately, she falls asleep after part 7 of his 25 part discussion on instancing. He looks up to see Smed coming back, soaking wet and smelling like alcohol. “What happened?” Brad asks. “I don’t know,” says Smed, “All I did was offer her money – she never heard of Station Exchange?”

***

Three forum posters walk into a bar: One bashes his head and blames SOE, the second smacks his head and leaves to play WoW, the third dodges and says "L2PLAY NOOBS!1!!"

***

An EQII player is sitting in the bar. He’s drinking beer after beer and looks depressed. The bartender asks him, “Hey, buddy…what’s wrong?”

”Well, three months ago, my guildmate left to go play WoW and left me her gear.”

“Oh, that sucks,” said the bartender.

“Then two months ago, another guildmate left to go play WoW and left me his plat.”

“Wow, two friends gone in two months.”

“Then one month ago, my guildmate left to go play WoW and left me his items.”


“Oh man, three friends gone in three months – no wonder you’re depressed.”

“That’s not it,” the man replies sadly. “This month, no one left and I got nothing!”


***


Three bloggers walk into a bar. The first one writes a snarky commentary, the second reblogs the first blogger's post and the third is too busy deleting comment spam.

***

A guy is enjoying a beer in a tavern and listening to some delightful tunes played on the piano. He feels some hot air from behind him and sees a fiery creature hovering in the air.

"What the heck is that?" he asks the bartender.

"That’s the pianist’s pet - an Igneous Magi. The pianist is a Summoner."

Well, the patron gets up to use the restroom and when he comes back his beer is gone. He sees the Igneous Magi drinking it. Angrily, he storms over to the pianist.


"Hey, do you know your Igneous Magi drank my beer?" he asks.

"Nah," said the pianist, "but if you hum a few bars I can play it."


***

Sorry gang. A bit painful. Here's some bonus humor:

Have King Kong fever? Check out
this humorous story over on EQII Realm.

As seen on
Game Memes: There is an interview up with a former dev from Mourning, the drama-ridden MMO failure (which is supposedly soon going back into closed beta for the second time). Flashman already posted some great selections on Game Memes, but it's so spectacularly funny, to me at least, that I'm just going to post an additional quote each week until I get tired of doing so. These will be verbatim quotes from the actual interview. And so...

The Former Mourning Dev Interview Quote of the Week:

"Q: Sounds about right. What previous experience did Dave have prior to starting the RoT project?

A: In what area? Adult or entertainment industry?"

And three more YTMND links (you need the sound on for these):

World of Warcraft meets the iPod

Age of Conan meets Conan

SOE Devs Strategy Meeting

12 Comments:

Blogger Aggro Me said...

Um, since I got one e-mail already: the Brigand joke punchline was not meant to imply that Brigands are "nerfed" but rather that Brigands employ a "fight club"-like secrecy regarding discussing their class with non-brigands.

11:33 PM  
Blogger cyan said...

Before reading your comment I was going to say that the

"I couldn't," says the third man. "I'm a Brigand."

was the best line. But I already get enough crap mail so I won't say it.



Heres one:

A Dark Elf and a High Elf are sitting in a bar in Maj'Dul and plowing back a few Nagafen's Flames. 30 mins later both get up to go to the men’s room.

Both enter the bathroom and proceed to use the urinal. After a substantial amount of time, both finish their business, zip up their Girdles and start to walk out of the bathroom. The High elf walks over to the sink and starts to pump soap from the soap dispenser. The Dark Elf starts to walk over to the bathroom door to head back to the bar when he hears the High Elf say to him:

"I know that you Freeport scum live in filth and sewage. I know you guys are worried 24/7 about your lives and are scared of every step of the way home when you leave a bar, but you would think that Lucan would at least teach you filthy people how to wash your hands after you go to the bathroom."



The Dark Elf slyly turns around and says to the High Elf "In Freeport, Lucan teaches us not to piss on our hands."

12:14 AM  
Anonymous Rotacidare said...

LOL (re: Bragand's) So it's well known beyond the reaches of our podcast? Stinking secret society...

1:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your stuff was funny aggro but that SOE Dev meeting was the best part I listened to it like 10 times. "They're brilliant!"

9:58 AM  
Blogger Krystalea said...

Its not a bar joke, or an EQII joke, its a silly one I remember from my old EQLive days.

Why do skeletons laugh as you kill them?




Cuz they know they will respawn in 8 minutes. =p

Your jokes were good, I liked the provie one the best, as I can relate =)

11:16 AM  
Blogger Zygwen said...

I think the Brigand was most convincing.

11:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Game Memes link to the Mourning Dev interview doesn't work.

12:07 PM  
Blogger Pirate Alice said...

the 4 tanks walk into a bar joke doesn't show what the Guardian did when the bartender threw a beer at him. was it supposed to?

5:20 PM  
Blogger Anskiere said...

"the 4 tanks walk into a bar joke doesn't show what the Guardian did when the bartender threw a beer at him. was it supposed to?"

That was the point... :P
The bartender didn't... everyone saw how well the other tanks did but in the end wanted the guardian because it is supposedly THE tank class.

6:32 PM  
Anonymous Grouchy Gnome said...

Dude, if he says that he can't say because he's a Brigand, then why would he tell the dudes that he's one and not the willing young beauty? Dude. Dude? Dude.

1:34 AM  
Anonymous Teh Chunt said...

My favorite was the Smed joke.
"what, you never heard of station excange?"

You left out the Blizzard exec, who goes home with the girl by using this line: "hey honey, 4 million people can't be wrong. All your friends know me. Come home with me, you'll be Level 70 in 2 weeks..."

4:02 PM  
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12:56 PM  

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