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Friday, December 02, 2005

Friday Humor: The Turkeys (plus Gnome Punting!)

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Thanksgiving was last week, but it's not too late to list some stuff I'm not really thankful for! This list was inspired by Narcissisa's raid list here and Krones' Thanksgiving list on his site. Sure, I make fun of SOE all the time, and Update 17 is on my hit list for Monday, I promise you, but what about the players? Here are some of what I call The Turkeys (and the truth is I've been guilty of each one of these myself from time to time):

1. The ? Fiends - See a ? (collection item) on the ground or a tempting harvest node while we're making our way through a dangerous zone? Go for it! We don't need to stay together...divide and conquer I always say. And if you manage to meet some "friends" while you're off on your own, well, the more the merrier. Super bonus score if you break group stealth as well!

2. The Retro Bunch - "Hey everyone you have to check out this HILARIOUS video of a WoW raid! This guy is AFK and then he yells out-" Um, no. Welcome to five months ago but thanks for sharing. After
Alex Trebeck references something (no matter how hilarious it originally was), you know it's jumped the shark.

3. The RL Roleplayers - I like people who roleplay in-game. I respect it. But when you're talking about real life stuff it sounds a bit silly. "Aye, mine boss detained me in that bitter dungeon for several segments of the Sun's passage this eve and then, by the gods, my trusty steed's transmission broketh! Forsooth!"

4. The Melee Crew - Melee, melee, melee. What's that? You're not a melee class? Don't let that stop you! Why let the tank have all the fun? Get right up in that mob's grill. Don't worry about healing or casting, those hits for 8 damage are way more important. Worried about riposte or barrage hits? Bah, we can always rez you.

5. The Laggards - Playing on dial-up? I don't mind. I play with some people on dial-up who are really great and rarely lag. But some seem to want to add to the challenge. Why not play EQII, download music, run Excel, check spoiler sites and read Aggro Me all at the same time? That way you can really make things interesting with a little lag fun. Also, defragging is for the weak!

6. Team Punctual - Sure the raid starts on 10:00 P.M., but that's just a suggestion. "OMW I just have to complete these subcombines, finish a quest, repair my gear and stop by the bank to switch to my heat resist stuff." That's cool, we were just hanging out.

7. The Tell-emarketers - I love to group with people that are involved in over ten conversations at once via tells. I mean, that's what it's all about, right? The mistells are just a bonus. Luckily, EQII does not have the real Tell-emarketers yet. In WoW lately I hear there are farmer spam tells like, "Check out www.mmogoldforreallycheap.com!" Awesome. I can't wait to experience that firsthand.

8. The AFK Ninjas - Anyone can go AFK in the middle of a fight. The real key to success is stealth AFK. Don't tell us - just go ahead and water your plants, bake some cookies, mix yourself a drink and watch your bootleg Gigli DVD. When you come back, sure the whole group might have wiped and everyone might be angry with you. But why be a pessimist? Things might work out fine and you may even have gained a level! Still preferable to their compatriots:

9. The AFK Overexplainers - A simple, "AFK bio brb," works really well. We truly don't need explicit details on what you're going to be doing and why you're doing it (i.e. "that burrito I ate earlier is getting its revenge...it's going to be a while!"). Some things are really best left to the imagination.

10. The Forumasters - When I see a post with a subject like "DEVS PLZ RESPOND TO THIS I AM CANCELING MY ACCOUNT (PAYING TO PLAY A BETA LOL) IN 17 MINUTES I HATE YOU SOE!" I know it's going to be a quality post. Make sure to make the body of the post completely unintelligible and include as many personal attacks as possible. Bonus points for "I'm leaving to play WoW." Thanks for making the painful act of browsing the official forums even more enjoyable!

Here's some bonus humor:

This thread from the official forums is old, but I just ran across it. It has some really funny quotes from players in-game. Example:

"Player1: Awesome group seeks 5 more PST."

There are plenty more funny quotes there.

Also, you can check out
this humorous interview on EQII Realm with the legendary Hwal Rucksif.

And finally, do you ever get tired of gnomes? They're so darn small and, well, gnomish! Give in to the dark side and release your anti-gnome rage with this nifty game of
Gnome Punting. My high score was only 612 but it's possible to score much higher.

Have a good weekend and good punting.


Blogger warm_machine said...

Those are some good ones Aggro. It makes for more of Friday Humor post of the dark comedy variety.

Well, #1 on your list used to be the bane of my group invising existence. Now that I have a woodworker, I make Totems of the Chameleon for myself and anyone who might need. Before, when I had to use group invis, I'd pan the camera out to watch my flock for any strays. Then I'd see one of the damn "?" appear! I'd start speaking to my monitor, saying "Don't do it. Don't dooo it. Don't you even think about it!"

Needless to say, that's why I raised a Woodworker. =P

Oh yeah, #6. I don't even have words to describe how I feel about that one.


12:52 AM  
Blogger Trin said...

I can identify with #1 now more than ever as I now supply group invis to my standard group. Mainly small groups in a casual guild so don't see much of the others (thankfully). Have to love (or not) #10 as well, bonus points if you use an obnoxious font on top of all caps :).

And I made today's top 10 (for now) with 816 on the gnome punt.

2:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Woot 972 on the gnome punt :D
btw great post aggro :D

3:41 AM  
Anonymous Anachronist said...

Damn you Aggro, damn you ! ;) Lost one hour of my prescious time to this gnome punt thing ... and I`m still kicking and asking me why :) (762 so far)

7:29 AM  
Blogger Anskiere said...

Ahh, number 10. They are my prey >:)

9:20 AM  
Anonymous Anachronist said...

Once more on the gnome punt:

This is a another perfect example of a great game idea wasted! My heart is bleeding when I look at the unused potential of this game.

We need an account to log in, so we can earn points for which we could buy cool stuff - like a power boot, or shit-resitent clothes which make you bounce of from shit once (or twice, or ... - depending on how much points you spent).

There could also enemies which we could destroy by clicking on them. Imagine special powers for the gnome - like lightning bolts or fire balls. There could be different classes of gnomes (like warriors and magicians). It would also be cool, when they would rise in level.

The graphics need some make over too. A 3d envoronment is mandatory this days.

And what the hell, we are living in the 21th century. Make it so that I can play together with my friends!

Imagine a huge server on which several thousand people could kick their gnomes simultanously and combine their abilities to defeat stronger monsters and...oh...wait... ;)

10:21 AM  
Blogger Krystalea said...

Well, I dont know how I did it, but 1020 on the gnome punt, covered in shit and on fire. Good thing I am bored at work today, lets see how high I can get =)

Thank you Aggro, for filling in my free time =p

10:32 AM  
Blogger Narcissisa said...

LOL. Awesome group LF 5 more! PST!

12:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

















1:00 PM  

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