Friday Humor: MMOlympics

The recent Winter Olympic Games gave me an idea. We MMO players are the real athletes. Our posteriors are conditioned for hours of hardcore sitting. Our patience and ability to endure tedium are far beyond the normal ken. Our skill in the fine arts of tanking, healing and aggro management are near supernatural! So don't we deserve a chance at Olympic Gold? I say yes! Here is a list of events I forwarded to the IOC for their considered opinion.

1. Exploit Hunt: 50 quests, but only one has a repeatable exploit that can net you endless amounts of xp! Who will be the first to find the exploit?

2. Forum Flamery: Keep the flame of the Olympic torch alive with this contest for the best forum flames! Flames will be judged on spelling (points deducted for correct spelling), anger level, sincerity of the promise to quit the game forever and play a competitor's, and the number of garbled and enraged responses received.

3. Camping: Ten of the world's best competitors. One room. One mob. The only question is...when will it pop? Want to go get a drink? Absolutely, but if the mob pops while you're gone you're out of luck. Bathroom break? Sure, rookie...enjoy. The MMOlympic Gold will go to the man or woman best able to stare at a screen for days without blinking, moving or sleeping.

4. Uber Loot-Off: Each contestant is given ten days to acquire the most uber loot possible. Steal from your guild bank, craft, ninja-loot, raid, we don't care what you do. Just show us that uber gear. After the ten day period, contestants will pose in a crowded newbie area. The one who impresses the most newbs shall reign victorious!

5. Uber Loot-Off (Exchange Enabled): Who can purchase the most uber gear with real money? This contest lasts ten minutes.

6. Pick-up Group Survival: One contestant at a time groups with five randomly chosen group members. How long can each contestant survive the horror?

7. Roleplay Mastery: Sure, anyone can roleplay. But can you keep it up when surrounded with a barrage of challenges? Ridiculously inappropriate names and group-mates who insist on discussing movies and the latest episode of American Idol are just a few of the obstacles the competitors will have to overcome as they strive to stay in character at all times!

8. Lag Slalom: Each athlete must maneuver through a curving path with sheer drops on both sides. Sound easy? Sure for Round One. But as we slowly increase the lag factor by adding more and more spectators, things get a bit more tricky. Dial-up only.

9. The Fansy Memorial Train Contest: In honor of the great Fansy the Famous Bard, this contest rates contestants on who can put together the largest train of mobs and use that train to kill the most players.

10. Fanboy Fandango: Each contestant chooses an MMO that has not yet been released yet and has one week to build the most hype through fansites, forum posts and even live conventions. Bonus difficulty points for choosing Mourning.

Hey, if curling is an Olympic sport, why not MMO grinding? Whoops, I may have offended some curling fans there. Well, if you are an offended curling fan to make it up to you here is a cow curling game and here is a puppy curling game (the cow one has more sophisticated gamplay but the puppy one is cuter). Reminds me of the Animalympics.

Keep training people! Our day will come...