Friday Humor: The V Files

With last week's news of a Vanguard/SOE co-publishing deal, a multitude of forums were abuzz with whispers, rumors and conspiracy theories. I put my most powerful tinfoil hat on and delved into a land of madness. As I dug deeper and deeper I uncovered more and more terrifying secrets. I began to put together a list of information which I termed "The V Files." What I discovered may shock you. The following revelations may very well cost me my life, but the truth is now out there.

* All Station Access subscribers will receive one free Pizza Hut pizza with pepperoni toppings per month. Tasty Cinnamon Sticks are still extra and the amount of frosting has been nerfed.

* IGE has purchased SOE, Sigil and Vivendi.

* The Vision (TM) of Vanguard is now legally a religion which will make subscription fees non-profit donations.

* Duke Nukem Forever is slated to join the Station Access program when it is released next week.

* Sony will sell half of all PS3 units with a HD-DVD player and half with a Blu-Ray DVD player. You won't know which one you get until you open the box.

* Hideo Kojima has created a Metal Gear mini-game for Vanguard which will focus on trading card battles.

* Raph Koster is returning to SOE to work on the sequel for SWG. Hope you like dancing.

* SOE did, in fact, already have an impact on Vanguard gameplay. As part of the deal with Sigil, travel times to a level 20 zone have been decreased from 2 hours and 18 minutes to 2 hours and 12 minutes.

* During the SOE/Sigil negotiations forums poster meangirl238 reports that the following shocking occurrence happened: "Okay, so omg you won't believe this one girls. Nancy from NCSoft called up Smed and was like 'hey do you want to go out some time' and he was like 'sure, baby' haha. But then she was like 'tell me, what do you think of Brad - he sucks right?' And Smed was like 'oh yeah he sucks.' But then, get this - Nancy had Brad on the line listening in the whole time ROFL! The old three-way calling trick, OMG! And then Brad was like 'what did you say Smed?!?!' But then they both realized Nancy was a total snob and they became friends again."

* The upcoming MMO's Spend the Night, Naughty America: The Game, Sociolotron and Red Light World were all purchased by SOE. They will be offered under a single monthly subscription fee entitled "Station Pass - Sexy Edition."

* Sir Howard Stringer, the CEO of Sony, cedes his knighthood to Brad McQuaid's D&D character.

* The employees of Sigil must give all of their Neopoints to Smed's Uni Neopet named Prettyhorse.

* Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes named their baby Suri after an as yet unannounced zone in the EQII EoF expansion.

* Ceciliantas is Brad McQuaid.

* Smed was behind the death of Patches the cat.

* At the precise moment the SOE announcement was made, the Vanguard beta servers crashed.

* Nintendo actually chose the name Wii as part of an arcane ritual intended to prevent the Sigil-SOE agreement.

* Smed gets to have a Fiery Avenger in Vanguard. In return, Brad gets max-level on all Toontown gags.

* The Seventh Seal of the Apocalypse has been breached. C'thulhu is now a partner of SOE and Sigil and is to be praised by all.

And because I'm a reasonable enough person to admit when Penny Arcade is funny, check out their take.