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Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The 2005 Aggro Awards

Okay, I'm kind of stretching this year end stuff out. As I promised last Thursday, I'll get to my 2006 wishlist this week. But, one last look back as I take you to the glorious and prestigious Aggro Awards! Step on to the red carpet, won't you?

Joan: All the stars are out tonight! I have not seen so many pasty looking people with questionable facial hair choices since I covered that subterranean hobo convention!

Melissa: Thanks, Mom. Here's one of the big stars now, John Smedley. Mr. Smedley, who are you wearing?

Smedley: The skins of my enemies.

Melissa: Terrific! The Manolos really set the whole thing off. Back to you, Mom.

Joan: I'm here with a gigantic pile of money. Pile of money, who are you here to represent?

Pile of Money: Blizzard of course. Stay tuned for our expansion with new playable races such as the Blood Elves and the-

Joan: Oops, the curtain is about to rise! We take you inside for the main event...

Host: Thank you. Thank you all for coming tonight to the 2005 Aggro Awards, where we hand out the fabled Golden Nukes for the best and worst in MMO gaming! We have a great lineup of awards for you this evening. Jude Law, haha. Okay, enough joking, let's have the first envelope:

The Fiery Avenger Award: Goes to the entire Froglok Race for being in the game and not in the game! The Frogloks would like to thank Mithaniel Marr, the god of Valor as well as the people who intimated that the quest to free the Frogloks was in the game on day one!

The Digging a Dead Horse up From its Grave Just to Beat It Some More Award for overuse of an Originally Funny Comedy Meme: Leeroy Jenkins! Accepting for Leeroy Jenkins is Alex Trebek.

The Google Award for Absolutely Dominating a Market And Still Managing to be Perceived as "Good Guys": Blizzard. It was seriously an incredible year for the WoW juggernaut. It is a good game too.

Most Surprising Continued Subscription Growth: Eve Online. They seem to have a great team with a singular focus.

Most Underrated MMO of the Year: EQII.

Best EQII Zone of the Year (Graphics Only): Sol Eye.

Worst EQII Zone of the Year (Overall): Lavastorm.

Best Outdoor EQII Zone of the Year (Thematic Feel): Everfrost.

Best Somewhat Buggy but Fun EQII Zone of the Year: Nek Castle.

Best EQII Zone Music: Blackburrow. Runnyeye runner-up.

Best EQII Blog Post of the Year that didn't Appear on Aggro Me:
Krones with the Dog Days of Duping.

The One-Two Customer Punch Award: Star Wars Galaxies, for following up the traumatic Combat Upgrade with the NGE.

Crying Bambi Prize for Virtual Animal Cruelty: The Oh Deer Me Quest in EQII.

Best EQII Mob: The Giants in TS.

Worst EQII Mob: The Slime or whatever those things are called in the Down Under sewers.

The Duke Nukem Forever Award for Overhyped Vaporware: Wish.

Best Show of Everquest Fan Dedication: The couple who named their daughter Firiona Vie.

Best SOE Marketing Idea: SOE Worlds Magazine. It was a pretty nice job and I'm still hoping for a second issue.

The Good Night Sweet Prince Prize: Asheron's Call 2.

Best EQII Quest: Harclave. From the interesting way you get the quest to the cool feeling when you touch the ark, it is a good ride all the way through. Still...no need to want to do it 500 times, people.

Best EQII Quest Runners-Up: Prismatic 1.0 for epic feel, storyline and emotional resonance. J-Boots quest for fun and time pressure. Ring of Fear and Bastion of Flames for best ring events. Beetle Herding for being different. Splitpaw Arena for solo excitement.

Best True In Game MMO Story of the Year: This one goes to the Istvaan tale of treachery and sabotage in Eve Online (
interview with Istvaan on Kill Ten Rats here). Note: My first choice was the Great Scam by Nightfreeze, also from Eve Online, but I don't think that was written in 2005.

The Bungalow 8 Velvet Rope Award for the Hardest to Attain but Most Desirable MMO Beta Acceptance: Vanguard.

Buggiest EQII Zone: Stormhold.

Funniest Theme Guild in an MMO: The collar popping Guild "Pop It" in WoW for folks who "wear Hollister and abercrombie and stuff!" (
via Afk Gamer). Runner up: The Night Kittens from WoW.

Funniest Guild Drama in EQII: Halcyon Affinity for
selling Level 30 Guild items.

Best Patch Notes Humor: "*** Art ***- Added more junk to the Elven trunk" by Blackguard in
this thread related to this story.

Best MMO Fictional Short Story in 2005:
"A Love Story" by Jeff Freeman.

The Paris Hilton Quick and Casual Award for Short but Fun Content in EQII: The Tear Grifters Quests.

Best MMO Humor not Appearing on Aggro Me:
How to Be A MMORPG Snob by 3Rectus.

The Value for the Money Prize: Splitpaw Saga.

Best Celebrity MMO Player: We have a split decision -
Curt Schilling for EQII and Dave Chapelle for WoW.

Most Widespread Mockery of a Marketing Scheme: /pizza.

Best /pizza Mockery not Appearing on Aggro Me:
Blizzard's Pandaren Express April Fool's Joke.

Worst EQII Non-Soga Character Model: Female Human.

The John Smedley Award for Innovation in Revenue Streaming: What's this? A three-way tie? Yes, it is a three way tie between Station Exchange, Deuce Bigalow ads in Planetside, and /pizza! Truly a horrible group!

The Darko Milicic Award for Totally Unused but Possibly Good Content: The Arena in EQII. Add some rankings, will ya?

The Best MMO-Related YTMND of the Year:
World of the Fellowship of the Ringcraft (strong language).

The Fetapult Award for Most Laughable Feature List in an "Upcoming" MMO:
Hip-Hop Legends.

First Annual Aggro Lifetime Achievement Award for Ultimate MMO Disaster:
Mourning! Was it the alleged fistfights, the "collectible game CD's," the developers who admitted they reached their level of competence? Why yes, it is all that and much more more. "Thank you very much for this great award! Get your pre-orders in now for the second coming of our fabulous game!"

A big round of applause for all our lucky winners!

Think I got some wrong? Feel free to post your own favorite zones, quests or anything else for 2005 in the comments.


Blogger Twodragons said...

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great list aggro

5:14 PM  
Anonymous Blackguard said...

I guess I should be happy that you didn't interview me before the award show. :P

9:53 PM  
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