Friday Humor: Exit Interview

I discussed the EQII cancellation survey yesterday. But I figured with a few Aggro Brand (TM) tweaks, I could improve on it. And even though my nemesis Blackguard commented on yesterday's post by stating "For what it's worth, this is about to be updated with about 12 total checkboxes and that's it. ;)," I'm not going to let reality interfere with my humor piece. And so I present to you...

The New and Improved EQII Exit Questionnaire

I'm leaving the game because:

A. The stolen credit card I was using was just cancelled.
B. I can't solo triple up heroic yellow mobs.
C. The GM made me change my name, "Naruto," which I had for valid lore reasons.
D. No one has ever offered me cybersex.

I would return if:

A. Wardens are granted the power of flight.
B. /pizza returns to the game and once again brings cheesy goodness to Norrath.
C. I can "deal with" my pesky family once and for all.
D. "Aggro Me" promises to group with me.

I am leaving to play:

A. Star Wars Galaxies
B. Planetside
C. Matrix Online
D. Vanguard

Yes, those are all the choices. What do you mean there are other games? Just pick from that list okay - I gave you four choices.

Have you found the in-game Knowledge Base system helpful?

A. Are you serious?
B. No way.
C. Helpful in letting me compile a list of completely outdated information.
D. Yes. (For real? Wow.)

Have you found Station Players helpful?

A. Hahahaha.
B. Oh, that's a good one.
C. Laughing too hard to answer...
D. Yes.

Did you just answer D to that last question? Are you high right now? I need you to take this questionnaire seriously.

A. Okay

Alright, good.

Would you recommend EQII to a friend?

A. Yes.
B. No.
C. Do imaginary friends count?

Which of the following spells or combat arts would interest you?

A. A buff which makes tradeskilling fun.
B. A direct damage spell which only hits for 1-5 damage but has insane particle effects and shows up as 5,000 damage on any DPS parser.
C. A spell which lets you summon a Maj'Dul Courtesan to your inn room.
D. A spell which makes all Paladins and Shadowknights in the zone lose their horses for the duration of the spell.

Which of the following tie-ins with other current or upcoming SOE games would you find the most super exciting?

A. You finish a quest in EQII and realize that all of Norrath is really a virtual world and you're actually in a cocoon which provides power to robots. Do you dare to leave this Matrix and help fight the war against the robot oppressors?

B. Chewbacca is on his way home to Kashyyyk for Life Day when his spacecraft crash-lands on Norrath. Can you help him find presents for his Wookie family and return him to space in time for the Life Day party?

C. Braniac manages to trap Superman inside the Phantom Zone. However, the explosion of Luclin jars Superman out of his prison. He decides to fight alongside the people of Norrath against evil. Will you aid Superman in his quest for justice or attempt to kill him with all-new kryptonite weapons?

D. The Terran Republic opens a wormhole to Norrath but the New Conglomerate and the Vanu Sovereignty follow them through. Which faction will you choose to fight for?

Which of the following improvements to game systems would you like to see?

A. A map interface which doesn't require you to install a map mod to have even slight functionality.
B. A death penalty.
C. More Arena zones.
D. An Achievement line which lets you pick up collection items faster than other people.

Which of the following potential marketing promotions would convince you to continue playing EQII?

A. Curt Schilling comes to your house and throws fastballs at your head until you resubscribe.
B. Anna Wainscoat personally delivers hot-wings to all players who subscribe for a full year.
C. All subscribers receive an autographed picture of Brad McQuaid pensively contemplating the future of online games. In a bathrobe.
D. Subscribing for six months nets you a live version of the DoF monkey. Note: SOE is not responsible for monkey bites or other monkey related accidents.

Are you really sure you want to cancel?

A. Yes
B. No

Have you thought about Smed at all? Just so you know, because you're canceling he can only get one new S-Class from Mercedes and not two. Have you thought about that?

A. Yes
B. No

Have you? Have you really?!?!

A. Yes
B. No

I feel like we've gotten to know each other during this survey. I don't know about you but I feel a connection. Do you want to, I don't know, get a coffee or something sometime?

A. Yes.
B. No.