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Friday, May 27, 2005

Friday Humor: EQII Sitcoms

Well, the recent news that guild halls are rumored to be on the way (it's towards the end of this linkfest post) had me wondering. How about a sitcom based around life in a guild hall?

Let's try to imagine what that would be like as I rip off a couple of my favorite sitcoms...

Cheers Qeynosians!
The setting – a guild hall which is furnished like a tavern. The bartender is Samai, a handsome wood elf. Gorm, an ogre, walks in.

Customers: GORM!

Samai: What’s new Gorm?

Gorm: Gnolls, Samai, they’ve taken over my stomach. They’re demanding ale.

Samai slides him an ale.

Samai: So, rough day Gorm?

Gorm: It’s a world of ebon leggings, Samai, and I’m wearing threadbare pants.

Claivan, a gnoll seated next to Gorm, chirps in.

Claivan: Funny you mention ebon Gormy. The Tae-Ew or Cazic-Thulians if you will are a notoriously lazy and drunk bunch who only mine when they are out of beer. Thus, they obviously called Ebon No-Beer which eventually got shortened to Nobe. Of course, when humans came to the Feerrott they not knowing, as I do, that the Tae-Ew language is read right to left, read Nobe backwards as Ebon!

Diana (a high elf): I don’t think that’s right. Samai, what are you doing?

Samai: And then I remove your bodice and rub my strong hands over your – oops, sorry mistell!

Diana: Sam!

And scene…

Or how about everyone's favorite Qeynosian, Jerai Rhynefeld?


Gorge, a balding dwarf enters the guild hall where Jerai is sitting on the couch with Eraine.

Gorge: Hey guys, check it out.

He slides the Mask of the Deceiver over his face and morphs into a handsome dark elf.

Eraine: Uh, yeah whatever Gorge.

Jerai: So what’s the deal with Griffons anyway? In Antonica they let you ride them and in TS they attack you! I mean seriously if they follow you into Antonica will they go from biting you to flying you around-

Eraine: Anyway, how was your date with that girl I set you up with, Gorge?

Gorge: Hmm…okay I guess. The thing is, she’s a dwarf.

Jerai: Wait, let me get this straight. You, Gorge, are refusing to date someone because they’re a dwarf?

Gorge: Well, yeah, I can do better.

Eraine (screaming): But you’re a dwarf, Gorge! You’re a dwarf!

Gorge (smirking): No, I was a dwarf.

Eraine: I don’t like this mask and I don’t like what it’s doing to you. And here’s what I’m going to do about it!

She grabs the mask and flings it out the window. Gorge turns back into a dwarf.

Scene 2

Gorge comes running into the guild hall where Jerai is sitting. Kraymir, the wacky troll is searching the guild vault for food.

Gorge: Jerai, Jerai if someone sends you a tell you have to answer, “Vandelay Raiding Guild!”

Jerai: What are you talking about Gorge?

Gorge: I’m trying to get into this high-end raiding guild to impress a woman and I said I was in Vandelay Raiding Guild and that the leader was at this guild hall.

Jerai: And what exactly is your position in my raiding guild?

Gorge: I’m a Raid Officer.

Jerai: Humph, Raid Officer. I don’t think so.

Gorge: Just say Vandelay Raiding Guild! I have to go adjust my market board prices.

Gorge goes into the other room.

Kraymir: Hey Jerai, some wacko’s sending me a tell! Something about Vandelay Raiding? Do you have anymore owlbear steaks?

Gorge (shouting): Say Vandelay Raiding Guild! Vandelay Raiding Guild!

Kraymir: No, sorry buddy, never heard of it! What’s that Gorge?

Gorge, in his haste to return, accidentally puts his clothes up for sale. He runs back into the room half-naked and falls over a chair. Jerai looks down at him condescendingly.

Jerai: And you want to be my Raid Officer…


Okay, maybe that was one of those things that sounds funnier in my head.

Hmm, if you read this far take a link to a techno remix of the whole Leroy thing and we'll call it, uh, even.


Blogger supernoob said...

No, Aggro, it wasn't just funny in your head. "Kraymir, the wacky troll is searching the guild vault for food." That, in particular killed me.

Nice job.

2:42 PM  
Blogger Eric said...

Funny stuff. I've linked to you at IPYM.

4:38 PM  
Blogger Aggro Me said...

Thanks both of you - I was kind of unsure about whether this was funny or not after I wrote it so I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it.

4:41 PM  
Blogger Aggro Me said...

By the way, One-Eyed Man, I finally remembered to add a link to your site on my links list (I'm lazy about adding links). It's always a good read.

5:09 PM  
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2:56 PM  

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